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Tall Fat Man in a Red Suit

Posted on Fri Dec 22nd, 2023 @ 11:27pm by Lieutenant Commander Kevin Lance

Mission: Christmas Cheer
Location: Earth
Timeline: Before Change in Plans

{Star Fleet Headquarters}

Kevin found himself in an oversize red jacket with matching pants and black boots topped off with a red stocking cap. The brim, collar and cuffs of the outfit were lined with soft white fur and the excess room in the clothing was filled with padding giving Kevin a portly appearance. It was insanely hot and almost made him forget that his beard and hair had been dyed a snowy white and a pair of wired spectacle perched on his nose. It was enough to make him reconsider taking his chances with the Andorians.

“HO – HO – HO,” Kevin called out with as much conviction as he could muster, “Merry Christmas!”

It was a curious pagan celebration that he had had little experience with prior to his assignment to the diplomatic mission to Pyxis Alpha 5. His family had never celebrated much of anything, least of all one recognizing the winter solstice. The crew of the Dorcas James had exchanged presents once a year but aboard a spaceship he hadn’t associated with a particular season. And at the Academy, the break around the New Year on Earth were usually devoted to catching up on studies or working off demerits. While on Pyxis Alpha 5, he had thought that the Odinkus celebration was just one of the wacky traditions that had developed over the race’s three hundred year isolation from the rest of humanity. Now, however, he could recognize the terrestrial origins.

Admiral Desai’s additional favor as the price for his assistance consisted of Kevin dressing up in this voluminous outfit, utter silly declarations, hand out gifts and otherwise condescend to a seemingly never ending line of children in front of their beaming parents in the Star Fleet Investigation Division.

For over an hour, Kevin played the jolly old elf to the children and pre-teens at the party. The combination of the padding in the suit and pressure from kids sitting on his knee threatened to cut off the circulation to his leg and he was in doubt as to his ability to stand under his on power. As one particular heavy twelve year old boy with a bored expression that spoke to his going through the ritual under duress stood, there was a tingling in Kevin’s leg.

Kevin glanced over at Admiral Desai who gave him a wry smile and mockingly toasted him with a glass of eggnog.

The final child was a little Trill girl with long dark hair. The child, urged on by her parents, took a few tentative steps towards Kevin, her expression a mixture of equal parts wonder and terror. The head-up display in the spectacles gave him the child’s name and wishlist.

Kevin smiled as reassuringly as he could, “Hello, Anabiya. Would you like to sit on Santa’s knee?” Because that doesn’t sound creepy, he thought.

The girl looked back towards her parents, who waved her forward with smiles and encouragement. The girl walk up to Kevin but kept he eyes down as Kevin lifted her to his knee. He smiled and recited for what felt like the two hundredth time, “Ho, ho! Have you been a good little girl?”

Anabiya’s eyes went wide as fear overcame her awe. What did she internalize about Santa Claus that made he so frightened, Kevin wondered. She finally summoned the courage to nod vigorously. “That’s good!” Kevin replied, “But Santa loves bad little boys and girls, too.” Nope. Not creepy at all.

It took a great deal of coaxing but Anabiya final opened up and with increasing courage told Santa what she wanted for Christmas. Kevin only half listened as he nodded and made appreciative sounds occasionally punctuated by a “ho-ho-ho”. The little girl resembled Mira only in her coloring and the fact that she was Trill but Kevin could help but think of the executive officer and mourn his situation.

The girl finished her list with a smile on her face. Kevin lifted her off of his knee and gently set her on her feet and handed her a candy cane. She took her prize and ran back to her parents.

“Thank you very much, Santa,” Admiral Desai announced loud enough for the entire assembly to here, “but now I think that it is time for you to return to the North Pole to prepare for your busy night!” There was a chorus of exclamations of disappointment from the younger children followed by titters of indulgent laughter from the adults. Kevin lumbered to his feet, legs tingling with the sudden resumption of unrestricted blood flow and he departed the party.



Lieutenant Kevin Lance
Chief Flight Control Officer (and part-time Santa)
USS Chuck Norris


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